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5 February 1999 - 12:33pm
I've been slack with the entries this week. But there's a few good reasons... The main reason has been that I have been thinking about the most recent lady in my life. Or, to be more factual, out of my life... 

Imagine this scenario. A woman (or a guy if you're a woman yourself) you met once and really liked, comes into your life at a later date and has amazing email conversations with you, causing both of you to find areas of common interests.  You meet up with them for the second time. Knowing that they've already met you before, you believe they must be interested in something about you that has drawn them to meeting you again. Expectations are created. During the meeting (starting as drinks at a cafe and ending up becoming dinner at a restaurant) you spend most of the time asking them questions about themselves and their life, being absolutely entranced by who they are and wanting to know more. Finding them a joy to be with, you eagerly look forward to the next meeting.

A few days later they contact you and tell you that because they felt they were forced to maintain the conversation they don't feel any future contact with you is worth considering...

How would you feel?

How did I feel?

Shattered. Obviously my displaying an interest in her by getting her to talk about herself was completely misunderstood and perceived negatively. After trying to get her to see me again to see if we could 'start over' failed, I've been lost in thought for most of this week.

All sorts of possibilities arise as to the reasons why she didn't like me. Maybe it was deodorant. Maybe it was that I didn't like chilli. Maybe she truly thought that I was a poor conversationalist and she wasn't prepared to give me another opportunity to pleasantly prove her wrong. Maybe - and this is the one that feels strongest to me - she's afraid of getting involved again and getting hurt if it goes wrong, so she rejects me to avoid going through that.

I wish meeting someone special could be easier, without strange mind games that we all play. I don't like mind games, or second guessing, or living in fear of rejection or hope. It all sux. Maybe I should become a hermit and live by myself for the rest of my life. *sigh*

I've added something to the Specials section. You can now subscribe to an email list that will allow you to receive emails from me when I update this journal. I hope you're interested enough to want to subscribe. *smile*

You are given the gifts of the gods;
you create your reality according to your beliefs.
Yours is the creative energy that makes your world.
There are no limitations to the self except those you believe in.

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2001 Alan Howard