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Self Esteem
and Photos on Singles Websites
I've been involved with singles
websites for a number of years now, on and off. It's been a good
way of enhancing my social life in relation to meeting women who
I might be compatible with. Recently I've been involved in an
online debate on one of the singles sites that's had positive
repercussions. The debate has been about the issue of placing a
photo with a profile. It started about a month ago and then died
away, and recurred again a few days ago. The issue originally
began with a number of women joining up together in support of
each other, claiming that anyone who wanted to see a photo was
shallow, and that photos weren't necessary in order to get to
know someone. My opinion in that original debate was that if
you're 'advertising' yourself on a singles website, then the
only reason you wouldn't place a photo was because you were
unhappy with your appearance, and if you want to join a 'online
catalogue' of single people, then the photo was necessary for a
number of reasons. Mainly to show people what you look like,
because the first thing we wonder about a person is, Will we be
attracted to them? If we think we could be, then we'll be more
interested in getting to know them. It doesn't matter if some
think that's shallow - it's human nature, and if you want to
attract someone to you, you have to show all of you. The second
reason for placing a photo was that it shows you're happy with
yourself, and that you don't care what other people think of
you. People generally aren't interested in meeting someone who
wants to hide him or herself away.
When the issue arose again, it was with this message:
1. Photo's on profiles
Is there some strange reason why people don't like putting there
photo on there profile. I feel that one can tell so much about a
person by their photo...
bestbets 10:16:am, 5 August
Then there was this message, which inspired me to actually
start writing (if it's in italics, it's someone else's
writing, mine is normal text):
7. me too !!!!!
I've tried both with it on an with it off, and I got more
replies with it off, but when I supplied a pic......BINGO....no
more chat. Their loss I say...................I know me better
than anyone else.
~A Real Kiwi Bloke~ 10:45:am, 5 August
8. Photos, or no
photos...
It's all about sorting the right ones from the wrong ones. We
all want someone who is going to accept us for who we are;
physically, mentally and spiritually. If they don't see a photo,
they're not going to know if they'll be attracted to you, and
they're only getting a small concept of who you are from what
you've written. At least if they see a photo, they can judge
whether or not you fit into their expectations (and we all have
judgements and expectations) and you've sorted out who's serious
and who's not. It's best to know from the beginning if
something's possibly going to work than to be wondering what
they're going to do when they actually see you. If they decide
to not talk to you right from the start because you don't fit
into what they're looking for, then you've already won, because
you haven't wasted time with them and the 'maybe' syndrome. You
wouldn't even hear from those people who would waste your time
otherwise. But you WOULD hear from those people who like your
photo, like what you have in your profile, and want to learn
more about you. The only condition, of course, is that you write
something honest and open in your profile, that gives readers a
good glimpse into who you are. Just having a photo and nothing
else won't achieve anything (unless you're drop dead gorgeous
and only want sex). So if you're wondering why people stop
writing to you AFTER you've given them your photo, it's simply
that you're not of the appearance that they're looking for,
regardless of how shallow that might seem to you, and if you
want honesty from them - even before they contact you - then you
need to be honest as well - even before anyone contacts you.
Place your photo (if you have one), write something about
yourself, and you'll get honest people contacting you for the
person that you are (even if it's just the tip of the iceberg),
rather than contacting you for the person that they would like
you to be.
10. I have the opposite problem
Guys say I'm cute, and therefore we should go out. Where is the
logic? I want someone who will converse with me, rather than see
my photo and automatically think we should be together. I want
their mind first!
looking... 11:49:am, 5 August
13. what looking says... leads me onto the next issue with
photos. What if you're really good looking and you don't want
people to be interested in you just for your looks? Then I think
it's ok not to place your photo, and only show who you are when
they meet you. And make sure that you don't meet them until you
are absolutely sure that they want to meet you for your mind
and/or attitude, rather than for your appearance. Because a
person's appearance is so important to our interest level and
our feelings of compatibility, I think we need to cater for both
ends of the scale. If you're unhappy with your appearance, then
place your photo - because you want someone to be happy with who
you are, and their acceptance of your appearance is very
important to you. If you're happy with your appearance, and
you're looking for someone who doesn't place great importance on
your photo, then by all means don't include your photo. You know
they'll very likely be physically attracted to you when you meet
anyway, so mental compatibility is the most important. So my
opinion is that if you're good looking and you're looking for
something substantial, don't place your photo. Be substantial,
and you'll get substantial people contacting you. And if you're
one of those who have an issue with your appearance and wonder
why you can't get substantial people STAYING in contact with
you, the reason is that you have an issue with your appearance.
You hide it from them, and don't give them the chance of knowing
if they'll be physically attracted to you. That has an effect on
those you do that too. Or you'll send them the photo along with
comments about how awful you are, and how you're much better in
real life, or you hope that appearance doesn't mean everything
to them, etc. That tells them you aren't happy with yourself,
that you're negative, etc, and that's a decidedly unattractive
quality. We're all attractive to someone, but first you have to
be happy with yourself.
After having written the comments above in the message board,
someone suggested to me that I write an article about it, so
here it is.
The purpose of this as an article, on this website, is that
self-esteem is so important in our lives, even on the internet.
We go through life hiding our true self from the world, afraid
that the world will think badly of us. Well, here's a little
secret. The rest of the world, and the people that you're likely
to meet, they've got enough problems of their own without having
to worry about your own. They have their own issues with their
appearance, and are trying to put up their own brave faces. All
you see is the brave faces, and you don't see what goes on
behind them.
If you want to meet someone, you have to be honest with
yourself, accept all the faults that you think you have, and
allow them to be part of who you are. This applies not just to
internet dating, but also to general life. In order to find
someone who is going to like you, you have to be you. If you try
to be someone else, then they're going to like that person - or
not like anything at all. And if they like who you're pretending
to be, when the cracks break and show who you really are, the
results aren't going to be pleasant.
Having a high self-esteem is important, especially to get what
you really want in your life. You can't change what you look
like, but you can accept it as who you are. Once you accept who
you are, you can then move on and focus on things that are more
positive to your life (I'll deal with that in another article).
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