Sunday 17th November

Some thoughts...

Published at 11:50pm

I went to the movies yesterday and saw Changing Lanes, which was really good.  However, as I was driving up into the carpark beforehand, I felt really sad and missed Nic.  Suddenly I thought that was unusual, because I realised that every time I've gone to the movies the past couple of months, I've missed her dreadfully as I'm going up into the carpark.  So I had to think about that.  I stayed in the car after I parked and explored my feelings about why I was sad, and I realised that the reason I was sad was because we never went to the movies together.  It was one of the things that she really wanted to do with me, which we never had the chance to do.  I was sad and missed her for that, and all those other things which we wanted to do but never did. 

But it's just a feeling, and you shift it aside and move on.  I went to the movie and enjoyed it.

There's this woman I've been chatting with online, who has had some difficulty in arranging to meet up with me.  She's been nice enough to talk to, and I've looked forward to meeting her, but it hasn't happened twice now.  So tonight, when I asked her why, I find out that the real reason she's just been unavailable when it's come down to me waiting for her to give me her address, has been because she's not over her ex who she left some months ago. 

Seems to be the story of my life the past year or so...

I reminded Kylie last year of her father and her ex.  I just realised now that maybe she's been looking for a father replacement...  *shrug*

Wakana didn't have issues (other than cultural ones), but I had issues with lack of communication, which is what attracted me to Nic. 

Nic apparently had issues with her ex as well.

And now this other lady has issues with her ex.

I wonder what this is reflecting about me?  Maybe there's an ex in my own past that I just haven't gotten over yet, and I'm meeting these women that are trying to help me see that in myself.  Could be something I'll need to investigate within myself...

There's this other lovely lady I've been chatting to as well, who lives overseas.  Her and I are getting along really well, and are great friends already.  We talk, we laugh, we flirt, we have a great time.  I've realised tonight that talking with her has been helpful for me to get over Nic, along with all the other methods that I've been employing.  Having conversations about life and other things has been good to help me get my mind off of Nic. 

It's been almost two months, and I'm still trying to get over her, and yet the relationship was only about 4 months in itself.  I think the reason I'm having some difficulty moving on is because of how much I fell in love with her, and also with the idea of sharing my life with her.  Everything that we'd planned, stated as fact, and were working towards, suddenly gone.  I had dedicated my entire being to being with her and moving on with her in my life.  Adjusting my energy seems to be harder than I thought.  It'll happen though, and at least I'm not depressed or stagnating in self pity.   :-)

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Monday 4th November

I'm injured...

Published at 11:30am

I'm not sure if I have a sprained ankle or if I have a broken ankle.  Whatever it is, it hurts like hell, it's all swollen, and I can't walk on it it without experiencing pain.  I was at a friend's place yesterday, playing Civilisation II via their network.  I left around 10pm, and his doorway was dark, unfamiliar to me, no lights, and had steps I didn't know about.  Well, I knew about them all of a sudden...

Something went crack... I thought it was the tendon as it was stretched by my foot going sideways and my weight driving my ankle down at an angle.  Crack.  Pain.  I stood there for a bit, going with it, and testing the movement and putting weight on it.  It hurt, but it seemed ok.  My friend walked with me to the car, making sure I was ok.

That was 5 hours ago, and it's after 3am, and I can't get to sleep because it's too painful.  I've tried walking around on it every now and again, and the pain is excruciating.

Ok, now it's after 11am, after a few hours sleep.  I woke up, and there was no pain or anything...  it had been rested.  But as soon as I started moving again, it came back.  I'll be visiting a hospital today to see what they say, and maybe get it x-rayed as well.  I'll 'report back' after that.  Hehehe.

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Saturday 2nd November

Cleaning up...

Published at 7:30pm

I've just been cleaning up this journal, organising the months into their own pages.  Each month of this format has been placed on its own page, so now this page is for all my entries of the month of November.  I thought about this structure around 1am last night, just as I was about to go to bed, but I couldn't be bothered doing it then, especially since it's just taken me a good three hours now to rearrange it in a proper fashion.

You're all probably wondering how I'm doing with getting over Nic.  Well, I don't think anyone truly gets over someone they love, but they certainly can move on.  That's what I've been doing, moving on.  It's going to take a while though, because there's always that thought that maybe she'll change her mind and come back.  But I've just started really making an effort not to contact her, so that time will eventually change that 'hope' for me into one of acceptance of it not happening.

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© 2002 Alan Howard