Monday 7th October 2002

A new beginning?

Published at 2pm

Here we are with a new website for my journal. I'm sure you're wondering why the new website?  Quite simple, really.  My friend Scot, who provides the server that The Spirit is hosted on, got a virus on the server a couple weeks ago and, because of his ineptness at server maintenance, was forced to rebuild it.  He didn't have any virus protection software on it, nor did he engage in regular backups, and he hadn't installed any security patches since 1999.  The guy's a cowboy who thinks he's a professional.  <sigh>  So anyway, after a couple of weeks of waiting for him to get around to rebuilding the server, he finally did and restored the websites to what they were before the outage.  However, with his newfound fear and paranoia about viruses and security issues, he's completely prevented access to the server so that no one can access it. 

When I questioned him about the logic of hosting websites that no one can update, his reply was essentially that it's not a priority for him, so he'll get back to me on a solution at some stage.  This isn't surprising, since he's a friend and he has been hosting my sites for free for many years now.  I've been thankful for it, and can't ask too much as a result.

But while I'm waiting for him to get around to it, I've got sites sitting there that can't be updated.  I've already created new sites here on Geocities for the Star Trek sites I'm running, and today I created a new one for my journal.  It's going to be a slow process at updating The Spirit with the new location of my journal, but it'll happen.  Eventually.

So welcome to the Journal of Alan Howard, now hosted (also for free) by Geocities.  If Scot gets his act together on the server issues I've got with him, then I may continue hosting it on there again.  I'm not sure about that though.  Anything that I update often is something that I need quick and easy access to, rather than 'when I get around to it'.

Ok, now that I've got the explanation out of the way, and my whinge off my chest, let's get on with the rest of developments since the 18th September.

Nic was here on the weekend of the 28th/29th September.  It wasn't a very good weekend.  She hit me with a bombshell that revolved around various concerns she had with issues in her life, which affected me.  She wasn't sure any more that she wanted to be in a long-term relationship, having realised that she hadn't really dealt with various issues in her past.  But she wasn't leaving me, just letting me know her thoughts and feelings.  And to top it off, she got really, really sick on the Saturday night/Sunday morning, and was vomiting all night and completely wasted all day Sunday. 

It was a good weekend in that we saw each other again, but it wasn't good for emotional and physical reasons.

The week since then has been pretty difficult.  She still loves me very much, and has been reassuring me that's the case.  What's been difficult is taking that slight step backwards to accommodate the change in the relationship, where we slow down and take things a day at a time.  Nic needs to sort out those issues in her life which are causing her to re-think various things, but she's tried to help me understand that she's not leaving me.

It's brought to the fore some of my own baggage...  I've felt that there's been a pattern in my life, where the best things in my life end up disappearing.  Great relationships (there haven't been that many of them!) have ended in failure.  With Nic taking this course of action, I had pretty much felt that the end was inevitable, which would be that she would leave me like the rest of them did.  That's the baggage that last night I realised I was carrying around.

Once I talked about that with her, and had her talk to me about her own feelings, I'm pretty happy that this isn't over yet, and that she's deadly serious about working through her issues without losing me.
 
Things are moving along fine.  It's all about growth and learning and development, and I think we're both doing plenty of that.

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Wednesday 9th October 2002

Ongoing issues...

Published at 1:30pm

After thinking that things would be resolved by changing over to Geocities (in terms of me being able to update my site/s), I discover that they're not resolved at all.  Earlier this week my employers got a virus fear and yesterday they decided to block all external web access to sites that could potentially allow viruses to come into the internal network.  This included Hotmail and other web-based email services, and the list included Yahoo, which just happens to host Geocities.  So now I can't access Geocities.  <sigh>  I can't access them, I can't access my original site... what's a person to do?

So I did what I had to do.  I've got new domain hosting with another friend, based in Melbourne.  He's bought a domain and offered sub-domains to me.  What could I say but yes? 

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Saturday 19th October 2002

It's all over...

Published at 11:30am

Well, I'm single again.  After a week or so of beginning to understand that Nic was growing further and further away from me, and then having horrible dreams Thursday night and last night, I was finally forced by my own feelings to bring things to a head this morning.

My dream on Thursday night woke me up about 4am, and I couldn't get back to sleep properly after that, as it left me with horrible feelings.  I dreamt that I was talking to a friend of Nic's and she told me that the reason Nic was distancing herself was because she's seeing another man, an ex.  It was at that point that I woke up.  Last night's dream had me wake up around the same time.  It was about another ex from my recent past, and in the dream the relationship had pretty much soured, but we were still in it unhappily.  She was hanging on because she didn't know how to say no, she didn't know how to get out of it.  I was hanging on because I was hoping things would change.

My subconscious was telling me to wake up and smell the roses, which is what I did this morning.

Because she's in Auckland, and because it had been planned that I was going up there this coming weekend, I felt that I had to confront the issue right now, and avoid any unpleasantness later in the week or when I got up there.  So I phoned her this morning and had one of those deep and meaningful conversations that resulted in me bringing about the parting of our ways.

She's been shutting herself down in a number of different ways, not just with me.  To continue being in her life in this way was only making things worse for both of us.  So I didn't say goodbye, I just ended what we've got/had.  After some time has passed, I expect we'll still be friends.  And you never know, maybe we'll get back together again.

But life still goes on, and I intend moving with it rather than staying stagnant.

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All By Myself...

Published at 11:40pm

    All by myself 
    Don't wanna live 
    All by myself 
    Anymore 

    When I was young 
    I never needed anyone 
    And making love was just for fun 
    Those days are gone

Everyone's favourite song when they've lost the love they had - All By Myself by Celine Dion.  I've been playing it to myself tonight, feeling sorry for myself.  All the stuff I need to go through.

The worst part about all this is going back to being alone.  Having no one to want to be with, no one to be wanted by.  Coming home to an empty room, with no one there, or no one to call.  I feel cold and alone.  I have nothing to keep me warm.

Love is about sharing your life with someone who means something.  I had someone who meant something.  I had this fantastic, warm and loving life, full of joy, excitement, satisfaction.  I thought I had this person who just clicked with me on so many different levels.  We finished each other's sentences, we had the same attitudes and beliefs.  We wanted the same things in life, and we sparked off each other like nothing before.

Where did all that go?  For the first time in my life, I was truly ready for everything that she brought into my life.  Without hesitation, I wanted what she wanted, I looked forward to sharing a future with her.

And then it was all gone, almost in an instant.  Everything that we both wanted, suddenly became something she didn't.

And so I'm sitting here now, wondering what the hell happened. 

I feel like I've lost part of myself.  I feel an empty hole in my soul.  I feel like the very thing that I was born for, to experience life for, to be who I am now for, came into my life and then left.  It's almost like having everything that you've dreamed of, suddenly taken away from you.  What do you do with what's left?  What IS left?  An empty hole that once held the essence of happiness.

Obviously I'm not very happy right now.  I'm feeling like absolute crap.  They say it's easier to deal with when you're the one who takes control and ends a relationship.  Bullshit.  The reason I ended it is because she wasn't happy with what we had.  She couldn't work through it, didn't have time or the inclination.  Maybe that'll come later.  But what we had wasn't a relationship.  What we had wasn't happy, wasn't the wonderful vision of the future that we both shared only a few short weeks ago.

It's all about what I had.  I had the vision of happiness, which she once shared.  But now that vision was only held by me.  It's like she lost the vision.  I don't know why.  I only know I couldn't continue perpetuating an unhappy relationship.

I've lost the person I've loved the most in my life.  I want her to come back, but I have to accept that she's gone.  It's over. 

When you've found the person who quickly became the person that you felt you'd been searching your entire life for... what do you when they disappear?  When you were (apparently) the one they'd been searching for their entire life as well, how do you feel when they suddenly change their mind?

I feel like it's going to be very damn difficult to trust someone again.  When someone tells me how wonderful I am, I'll be like, uh huh.  I'm wonderful until you change your mind.  Oh, we can work through all the problems that we might face?  Oh, you absolutely love and understand the value of communication?  Of course you do...

Hell, I know I'm bitter right now.  I feel like I've been lied to, that everything up until now was a lie.  I feel that I've given someone my heart and they've carefully put it through a cheese grater and handed it back to me.  I'm sure that's not true, but it's how I feel.

I know things change, as we grow and learn new things about ourselves, I know that relationships can grow together or they can grow apart. 

I had just hoped that all of those good things that her and I shared and dreamed about would be encouragement enough to do whatever it takes to work through any growth issues that might have arisen.

My hopes were wrong.

What hurts so much is how much I put into this, only to have it fail yet again.

Once again, I shall retreat into that hermit crab shell and ponder where I went wrong.  I know I must have had some part in it failing, I just have to work out what it was.

Life goes on.  Sometimes it really, really sucks, and at other times it's paradise.  Unfortunately, paradise is harder to find and keep than the sucky bits.  I hate that.

Thanks for reading through my 'venting'.  Hey, just thanks for reading, and being interested in my life.  I think I'll go to bed now and see what else I might dream.

Maybe I'll dream about all those things that I will never forget, and which I loved.  Her smile, the way she laughed, the way she felt in my arms, those dreams of hers that she shared with me, her confidence, her positivity, her desire to learn and improve herself.  I loved the way she laughed at my jokes, the way she kissed me, the way making love felt.  I loved everything there was about her, and I want to never forget them. 

I miss her.

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Friday 25th October 2002

Time for a holiday...

Published at 4:30pm Saturday

I was supposed to go see Nic this weekend.  We'd planned for me to go up last night, and stay there until Monday night, as it's a Labour Day long weekend here, and I took today off work.  Obviously that's changed... so I'm on the ferry right now to Picton instead, to visit a friend over there.  I figured that I may as well do something interesting with my 4 days off, instead of sitting around home.  It'll be the first time I'll see Picton of a day, and I hope to be able to take some good photos of the Marlborough Sounds (I think that's what they're called...).

The ferry is an interesting experience.  It's like a bus, but only much bigger, which means there's more strange people on it...  There's lots of American tourists... and I mean LOTS.  Quite a few dozen.  And then there's lots of Samoans, and their hundreds of screaming and wailing kids.  And the swell of the ocean is pretty wild, which means the ferry (like a ship in size) is going up and crashing down, repeatedly.  And so the screaming and wailing of the excited and vomiting kids seems to rise and fall in time with the ferry.  And the kids are on every deck.  I can't get away from them.  And the ferry ride is 3 hours long, and it's much longer than any normal person should ever have to put up with. 

I'm sure you get the picture.

However, there's a couple of amusing moments...  one of the kids in front of me was being a little shit, so the 6 or so kids around him (they're all no older than about 5 or 6) decided to push him over.  So he's on the floor wailing away, and because he's on the floor, this little 3 or 4 yr old girl decides to kick him in the ribs.  And so the rest of them think that'll be a good idea too, so there's half a dozen kids lightly kicking this wailing kid, who's wailing even more.  It's almost like, the more he wails, the more they kick him.

I think it's a reflection of society, really.  These kids are acting out exactly how they will be when they grow up.

I forgot to bring some headphone earpieces, so I'm unable to lose myself in a movie on the laptop, or music.  But at least I found a power point, so I can amuse myself on here without needing to worry about the battery running out.  It's moments like these that point out to me the reasons I got this laptop.  I just have to remember the earpiece in future...

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Go to November 2002 ->


2002 Alan Howard

Journal of Alan Howard

Welcome... to the desert... of the real.
Morpheus, from The Matrix