12 April 2000 - 3:14pm
"My life is very... complex."
That's what Michael Keaton said (as Bruce Wayne) in the movie Batman... At the time I certainly related to what he said. Now I'm relating to it even more.
Eleven months ago, you may remember me mentioning a lady in the UK who I was getting along with extremely well. So well, in fact, that she was going to
move out to Australia, and I was trying to help her by attempting to set her up
with some work when she got her. But it didn't work out for a number of
reasons. Well, she's back... She contacted me on Sunday, telling me that
now that I was single again, she wanted to try 'us' again... She's living in New
Zealand now, and has already booked a flight over here for the 20th April, which
is only 8 days away.
Now, while I'm excited by the prospect of actually meeting her, because for a while last year she was very special to me (in a virtual reality/spiritual sort of
way), I'm also wary of her motivations. I want a friendship with her, but she
wants a lot more.
She wants to develop things between us because I'm single again. If only it were that simple... I'm single again, yes, but I've also realised just last week
that one of those two women I've been confused about, is someone I really
care about. I decided to focus all my attention on her and see what happens.
And then along comes this other lady who wants to take me away to New
Zealand and live happily ever after, who wants me to change focus completely,
so that she's the subject of it. I can't do that.
But I can be friends, and we can explore that relationship. I hope she understands.
The lady who I've really decided to focus on has been mentioned by me before. We met over a
year ago, and it's taken this long for her to let me become close to her. Now I
really, really, really like her... REALLY like her. Really, I do. But it's so
frustrating sometimes, 'cause she's got so much baggage that she's carrying
around. She's aware of it, and she's made me aware of it, which is all good,
'cause there's nothing hidden, and we both know exactly what's going on and
why. But it's frustrating 'cause she obviously likes me, and knows I like her,
but she doesn't want to do anything until she's sorted out her baggage. Now,
while I know this is admirable and definitely worthwhile, that's where the
frustration lies. So I just have to be patient. All good things come to those
who wait. And the bonus here is that we're building a solid friendship that will
always be important for any kind of future between us.
I'm becoming a male slut. This is a new experience for me. It's taking some time getting used to, and even accepting, 'cause I've always felt that the
women in my life should always be focussed on by me. But right now, I've got
women all over the place who are interested in meeting me for whatever
reasons. And I don't care if they're all reading this right now, because every
single one of them knows where they stand in my life, and they all accept
those facts and potential consequences. It's just so goddamn bizarre that I'm
going through this right now.
Where once I was alone and desperate for company, now I have more potential company than I know what to do with... My life has gone through an entire
about-face in relation to the women in my life. And that's why it's now
'complex'. It's like a juggling act between them all, making sure that there are
no false expectations or lies, and that they all know that as soon as I'm
actually NOT single anymore, that their relationship with me becomes
friends-only, with no possibilities of any intimacy. As I keep being told by
various friends (male and female)... enjoy it while I can. <smile>
It's been brought to my attention - AGAIN - that there are some of you reading this who enjoy reading this, and who want to give me their thoughts about
whatever is on their mind in relation to what I say in this journal. But fear is a
huge barrier that you've got to deal with. What is it, fear of rejection? Fear that
I'm going to think you silly for sharing your thoughts with me? Fear of saying
the wrong thing? You shouldn't worry about it. I don't... this journal is an
obvious sign of that. If I'm not afraid of what you might think about me, then
you shouldn't be afraid of what I might think about you. FEEDBACK is
essential - so give it to me. <smile> Click on the feedback link at the top of
the page and send me an email.
I also don't have enough subscribers to my email list that notifies you of when
there's an update in this journal, so I'm going to add a link to the bottom of
every entry now, as many of you might not even realise there's an email list for
this journal. Not only does it allow you to receive notification of updates, but it
also allows you to send comments if you so choose. Hey, an entire
discussion could possibly take place about me and my journal.... LOL
Last night I had an argument with a friend of mine. As a result of that argument, I decided to have a break from the roleplaying hobby that I've been
playing extensively over the past 12 years. I decided that my creativity right
now is being tested to the extreme. All the characters that I'm putting a lot of
effort into are dying in the course of the game, or end up 'doing stupid things'
and it's pissing me off. So I'm going to take a break from it for a few months
and clear my head somewhat.
After I made that decision, I looked back upon the past few weeks and realised that something is happening in my life. A couple of weeks ago, I quit my job
as General Manager at the ISP I was working for. I'm looking for some other
work right now. And now I'm taking a break from my favourite hobby. It seems
obvious to me right now that there are separations occurring in my life. I'm
breaking various ties I have with my employment, and with my friends.
You and me will find out together....