30 April 2000 - 11:27pm
Do you remember me saying this in my last entry? "...wants me to change
focus completely, so that she's the subject of it. I can't do that."
I was wrong.
She was here over the Easter weekend - which was only a week ago. For the entire time leading up to her arrival, and then the first 3-4 days of her being
here, I rejected everything that she offered. I told her I was in love with
someone else. I told her I didn't feel what she felt. I told her that she'd best not
expect too much or she would get disappointed. I was a monster. I was mean
and horrible. But she came, she saw, and she conquered.
And it was because I loved 'Missy' that I fell in love with this lady from NZ (hereafter called Mish).
That probably seems bizarre to you... and it almost seems bizarre to me, and I
was there! Let me explain...
It was on the Sunday afternoon that we went to the coast. It was a spontaneous decision on my part. I had originally planned on taking her there
on Monday morning, returning late afternoon. But on Sunday afternoon, I got
an idea in my head to show her a sunset from the beach of a lovely ocean.
Which meant we had to be there overnight, in order to get up for the dawn. So I
rang around to get a hire car (station wagon), so we could stick my airbed in
the back of it, but not a single hire car firm had anything available whatsoever.
Then I rang Missy and asked if she knew of any hotels/motels that might have
any vacancies, but she didn't. Then she said that I could borrow her two-man
tent if I liked. After a little bit of discussion with her about this, I accepted. So
Mish and I went down that afternoon and went to Missy's to pick up the tent.
Missy offered us a drink, then invited us out to dinner This was a surprise to
me, but Mish liked her, so we went out with her.
At one point there were fireworks, and we stood at the windows to watch them.
I looked over at Missy once, and she seemed so sad and lonely, I wanted to go
over to her and give her a hug and tell her that I loved her still, but because of
Mish being there and being in love with me, I felt uncomfortable at doing so.
Anyway, after we left Missy at a club with her friends, Mish and I sat in the car
outside. She knew I had loved Missy so much, and she knew I felt sad about
something, so she talked to me and helped me express things. Instead of
being jealous or whatever, she gave me so much love and support and
understanding and compassion and acceptance... something just snapped
inside of me. I knew that she wanted the best for me, including understanding
my feelings and accepting the love I have for others. She was sincere,
genuine, and accepting, without being demanding or jealous. So that was
when I decided to 'surrender' to whatever was happening, and I told her I loved
The rest of the weekend was excellent. The whole time with her was far better than I ever expected.
So I went from denial of love, to acceptance of love. All because she proved to
me that she supported me and my feelings for others.
So you can see that I fell in love with her because I loved Missy. It's a bizarre
world I live in.
It was sad to see her leave, and I've missed her since.
We have planned for me to go over to New Zealand. I've shown her my home, and now she wants to show me her home. It was originally planned that I'd go
there early to mid-June, but it might be earlier now. She's trying to find me
some work there as well, to help me move there. I might be going over near the
end of May instead.
Move there??? I hear you exclaiming. Yeh, I felt the same way. But there have been a lot of things happening to me in the past month which have made
me feel that it's the next step in the path that I follow. First I quit work - I'm not
working now. Then I have a break from my hobby, and I find that my friends
don't seem to be talking to me anymore... was I just a role-playing
companion? So I was disappointed about that. The two main reasons for me
staying in Canberra had taken a nose-dive. The third main reason for me
staying in Canberra was Miss X, who I'd decided (before Mish arrived) that I was
in love with. But I knew that Miss X wanted to take things slowly.
On Tuesday night I created a separation from that as well, telling Miss X how I
felt about her, but that I couldn't wait anymore, and that I had to move on. That
was so hard to do! But I felt good after I did it.
The fourth main reason for staying here in Canberra - which is really the biggest
reason - is that I love this place so much. It's my home, and it's so beautiful
here. But everyone tells me that Wellington, NZ, is so much nicer. And Mish
has a stronger bond to Wellington than I have to Canberra, so it'll be easier for
me to move there than it would for her to move here. So that's what I decided.
It still depends on whether we can really get along for the time that I'm there...
It's going to be a holiday, maybe a working holiday, and it might be for
anywhere from 1 to 6 weeks - maybe longer. It should give me ample time to
work out if I want to be there, and if her and I want to be with each other.
Times, they are a-changing, and I'm changing with them. Talk about going with the flow... the flow here is taking me overseas!!! Well, I've never been outside
of Australia, so this will be a wonderful new experience.
By going along with feelings,
and bodily states.
When you try to fight
or deny them,
you divorce yourself
from the reality of your being.
It's amazing how many of the quotes I have in my entries often directly relate in
some way to what my entry is about. And yet they are taken a page at a
time... each entry's quote is from the next page. Weird.