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8 February 2000 - 3:48pm
Last week, on Friday night, I sent an email to a friend who had asked me how I was feeling over the break-up with 'Missy'. I thought I'd put in my reply here, since it's an expression of my feelings...

I'm wanting to get over [Missy].

[censored], I was so much in love, it hurts me to even talk to you about it now. Knowing that it's over is just so incredibly sad for me. Everything I dreamed and hoped for is thrown by the wayside - again. It's going to take me time to get over that, and I'm aware of that. I guess I'm not really looking for anyone else to be with right now, I'm just happy to go out and have some fun here and there.

There's so much hurt inside of me. I've cried more than I ever cried with Estera. I cried only once with her, but I've cried 4 times now over [Missy]... and the fact that I'm talking about this and thinking about it now has created a huge lump in my throat... It's all about feeling sorry for myself. I miss those moments with her, I miss the love and attention that I gave and received. I miss the company. I miss having someone special in my life. 

The past week I've realised that I'm in a mild state of depression, and have been since she left me - but I just realised it recently. I see things in others that reminds me of her. I hear things that remind me, and I remember things that remind me. It's like... I don't know. She's part of my soul, and she doesn't realise it. She's still with me in my heart as I walk through this world, and I can't shake her loose. She pops up in everything that I do. Everything hurts when I think about her, but I can't stop thinking about her. She is... was.... everything that I lived for. She was my inspiration for the future. I've never loved another person as much as I love her. 

Make that 5 times I've cried....

I know that I'll get over her eventually, but I'm actually in no hurry. I'm happy to just let time heal this broken heart, and I'm not rushing it.

Today I visited a naturopath for an earache / cold that I've got, and she turned out to be a clairvoyant and palm reader.... I got some great insights into myself and my life. I think it's time I got back into spirituality... psychic abilities, meditation, all that sort of stuff. I've had my break, now it's time to return to it. 

For those of you who don't know my past... I used to run a spiritual development group about 7 years ago. I taught others how to do those things which I was able to do. This included: psychometry, channelling, and clairvoyance. The main reason I stopped it was because I wasn't balanced. I was too focussed on spirituality and had my 'head in the clouds', so to speak. I 'retreated' into reality.  I think I'm a little more balanced now, and it's time to venture back into it.

The mourning is over now.

When some misfortune threatens, consider
seriously and deliberately what is the very worst
that could possibly happen. Having looked this
possible misfortune in the face, give yourself
sound reasons for thinking that after all it
would be no terrible disaster. Such
reasons always exist, since at the worst nothing
that happens to oneself has any cosmic
importance. When you have looked for some time
steadily at the worst possibility and have said
to yourself with real conviction, Well, after all,
that would not matter so very much, you will
find that your worry diminishes to a quite
extraordinary extent. It may be necessary
to repeat the process a few times, but in the end,
if you have shirked nothing in facing the
worst possible issue, you will find that your
worry disappears altogether and is replaced
by a kind of exhilaration.

Bertrand Russell
The Conquest of Happiness




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2001 Alan Howard