Journal of Alan Howard
May 2000 - 12:43am, Friday
I was about to have a read of the latest quote that will go
with this entry, just to see if it related to what's on my
mind. But then I decided I'd better not, because then it
might influence the nature of this journal entry! So I'll
just do the entry, and then we'll see what the quote is
One of my 'many fans' asked me tonight on ICQ why I hadn't
updated the journal for a while. I told them that even
though a few things had happened, it was because I hadn't had
much to say. However, I guess that's not entirely true.
The main reason I hadn't written about it in here is because I
hadn't been much in the mood for writing. The creative
aspect of my writing isn't something I can whip up every night,
no matter how hard I try. Life is generally dull and
boring - not just for me, but for most people - and it's often
quite a challenge to find something interesting in your life and
describe it in ways that will have people coming back for
more. I like to think that I have an easier job than most,
because my life is quite often more exciting than most
people's... but it could just be in the way I
describe it... <smile>
This time last week, my friend of 23 years, Dan, was down from
Brisbane, wanting to catch up with me before I went over to New
Zealand. He's been mentioned before in this journal, on
quite a few occasions, back when he was living here in
Canberra. He got here last Thursday and left Saturday
afternoon. On Friday evening, quite a few elements from my
past all came together in one spot. What an incredible
night THAT was! As I look back on it now, in an attempt to
decide how to write about it, it seems more and more incredible
that all these important people to me, all came together.
Let the story be unveiled...
Myself, Dan, Miss X, and Missy and her new boyfriend, Mr J.
Missy was coming to Canberra on this Friday, to show it to her
new boyfriend (Mr J) from America. We had arranged to have
dinner that night. With Dan being in town, naturally he
was coming, and Missy was looking forward to meeting this man
who she was once going to meet as well (we'd planned to go up to
Brisbane to see him when he returned from East Timor, but by the
time that happened, Missy and I had broken up).
Now, Dan and I had a coffee
with Miss X on Friday afternoon. I like having the special
people in my life meet the other special people in my life, so
it was nice to have Miss X and Dan having coffee with me.
That's when the surprises for me started... Miss X had
already been invited by me to the dinner that night, but she
declined (background history on this coming shortly - just keep
reading!). During the coffee, however, she twice suggested
as a joke that her and Dan go off and do their own thing while I
went to the dinner with Missy and Mr J (using aliases like this
is quite amusing...). She also decided that she would
actually accept my invitation to dinner. I felt quite
strongly that this was because she was attracted to Dan...
He and I discussed it once she'd left after the coffee, and he
expressed his disappointment at the possibility that she might
be walking down that path just to hurt me in some way. I
didn't think that was possible though, because I felt that Miss
X just wasn't like that...
Later on, we all met at a bar before where the plan was we'd all
have a drink and then head off to the restaurant together.
Unfortunately, it didn't work that way. After
introductions were made and we all chatted and had a couple of
drinks, Dan bumped into an old army buddy there and decided that
he'd like to stay and catch up, rather than go to dinner with
the rest of us. Miss X immediately stated that of course
she'd have to stay with Dan. I spat the dummy (inside my
head) and said OK and immediately walked out, waiting for Missy
and Mr J to join me outside. The three of us went to the
restaurant, with me fuming at the actions of Miss X. She
knew that Dan had a girlfriend back in Brisbane... and he
was my best friend of 23 years. How could she do
this? So anyway, I tried to enjoy the dinner, and did
indeed have a good time.
It was great to catch up with Missy, and while I initially had
some anxiety about how I'd feel seeing her with another man, I
quickly felt that I had no internal emotional problems or hang-ups.
It was nice to see her so happy with this guy, and I wish both
of them all the very best.
After dinner we went back to the bar and had a few more
drinks. I could see the body language between Dan and Miss
X was annoying the hell outta me... for reasons that
probably don't need to be explained in here. Basically,
Miss X's actions and attitude were completely unlike her, and I
could only think she was trying her best to hurt me, because she
was doing this with my best friend!
At this point, let me go off on a tangent to give you some
background history, as I promised above.
As you all know, I had decided that I was in love with Miss X (click
here for that entry), but decided to go with Michelle
instead, because I had fallen in love with her as well, and with
Michelle I'd have a relationship and a happy future; with Miss X
I'd still be waiting for her to sort out her problems and maybe
end up deciding to go with some other man. I've been
there, done that, hated it, never want to do it again.
Now, once I'd made this decision about Michelle, I then opened
up to Miss X about what was happening and my feelings for her,
and my disappointment that nothing had happened between us, but
now I was moving on, and I still wanted her friendship.
Within a week or two of that, Miss X then decided that she loved
me, and told me. I asked her why she couldn't have
realised this when I was single (!!) and her reply was that she
can't control her feelings. I felt that it was a knee-jerk
reaction to feelings of being deserted in some way - that she
didn't have my full attention anymore. She's insecure and
lonely, and I was a crutch for her. Knowing that I was in
love with someone else and that she wouldn't be getting all my
support and attention must've hurt her a lot. Now, back to
I felt that her actions with Dan were based on subconscious
feelings of betrayal and revenge... she wanted to hurt me
for deserting her. I understood that, but I was so hurt by
it as well. I was the one feeling betrayed by what she was
Anyway, Dan came over to me and told me he couldn't do it.
I was confused, and questioned him about what he couldn't do (he
was drunk, you see...). He said he couldn't sleep with
her, even though she wanted him to - but he knew how I felt
about her. Right! I was pissed off even more!
That's when the shit hit the fan, and I was doing the
throwing! LOL I wanted to leave, and I told
Dan he could stay if he wanted, but he said he was down here to
see me, not sleep with other women. He also asked me why I
was running away, was I scared of Miss X? I told him that
I wasn't scared of her, and I wasn't running away, as
such. I just knew that I didn't want to be there anymore,
otherwise I'd say things I would regret later. I went back
inside to say goodbye to her, and she knew something was up by
the fact that she'd been in deep conversation with Dan, and now
we were both leaving - just like that. She questioned me
and I told her what he'd told me. We had a brief argument,
and she said she only wanted to be friends, and she wanted to
talk to Dan. I just looked at her, and she then asked if
he wanted to talk to her? I shook my head no. She
looked at me in surprise and I said goodbye and walked out, and
Dan and I went home.
I was quite emotional about the entire incident... I was
sad and extremely pissed off.
As I drove home, Dan and I discussed my trip to New
Zealand. He was happy that I was only going over there for
a holiday. I said, no, I'm moving over there. He
went into denial, saying that it was only a holiday and I'd be
coming back. I said I won't be coming back. That's
when he started getting emotional (what with being drunk and
all...) and through his tears he told me that he couldn't
believe that I was leaving the country. I'd always been
there for him, for this past 23 years. Every time he
needed me, I was there. Now I was leaving the country, and
he was afraid that he'd never see me again. He was afraid
of losing his best friend. Nothing I could say would
convince him otherwise.
We went inside my flat and he called his girlfriend in Brisbane
and talked to her for a little while. As he did that, I
wrote a couple of emails to Scot and to Michelle, expressing my
frustrations and sadness about the evening. When he
finished his phone call, we talked some more, then I felt like
sharing with him what I'd written. I read out the emails
to him, and as I did, I broke down and cried. It was hard
to control myself, with the sadness I was feeling and sharing
with Dan. We were crying together, as I was trying to read
out the emails, which were expressing my fears, my sadnesses,
and my hopes and dreams for the future. It was great to
share that with him.
I remembered back to March 1985. Dan and my friends in
Port Augusta (South Australia) gave me a farewell party, a few
nights before I moved away from that place I grew up in. I
cried back then because I was going to miss them all. Dan
was the strong one then - I cried and he tried reassuring
me. Last week, I was the strong one - he cried, and I
tried reassuring him. Then we cried together.
On Saturday I saw him off at the airport. I cried then
too. I hoped no-one saw my tears as I watched him walk up
those stairs into the airplane. I quickly left then.
On Sunday night, Miss X and I saw each other - she wanted to
clear the air between us. I let her. It was all
apparently a big misunderstanding on everyone's part.
Apparently. I let it go. Her and I are still
friends, and I'm happy with that. What's the point in
disliking her? No point whatsoever. Dan's not here,
and I'm leaving for New Zealand soon. Nothing she's going
to do will affect Dan or me like that anymore. Obviously
I'd changed towards her though... and I was sad about
that. I still loved her, but it was different - I saw a
side to her I hadn't seen before.
Occasionally I ask myself... How can I love two women at
the same time? I'm so full of good questions... One
woman I love, knowing I'll never get anything similar in
return. Unrequited love is the pits. The other woman
I love, knowing that my future is with her - and that's where
I'm going. How can I 'love' a woman who doesn't love
me? But she does. She's just not ready to go
anywhere with it, and that's why she's lost me. But it's
worked out well... I've gained Michelle from it all.
Hey, if Michelle never came along, I'd still be sitting here in
limbo, wondering what to do with everything...
And now we go to the next part of today's entry. Where I'm
NOT wondering what to do with everything...!
I was originally going to go to NZ for a holiday, for 1-2
weeks. If I didn't like it, then Michelle would move here
to Canberra. However, after lots of discussions, I changed
that idea. Michelle's bond with Wellington is far greater
than my bond with Canberra, so it made a lot more sense to me to
just move over there. I knew I'd be happy with her, and I
knew I wouldn't hate Wellington. So the holiday was
extended to 4 weeks. I'd go over there and establish my
new life there, and then return here for a week or so, in order
to finalise everything here. However, more signs have been
added by the angels to the vast repertoire of
signs... all pointing out those things which were
best for me. My support base here in Canberra was showing
signs of being unavailable to me if I went over for 4
weeks. I had no guarantees that I could continue paying
the rent on this place while I was gone.
So I decided - in the past few days - to burn my bridges behind
I'm going to New Zealand on the 14th of June - that's only 19
days from now!! 19 days. I've given my landlord
notice. I've got the ticket - and it's a one-way
ticket. I'm about to organise the giving away of most of
my stuff with friends (just in case I ever need it again in the
next 12 months), and I'm taking the rest of it with me to New
Zealand. I'm taking my computer (naturally!), the tv and
vcr, books, music, videos and treasured personal items.
None of my furniture is going. I'm going to start a
completely new life in NZ.
The past week or more has been quite difficult. It's
become obvious to both Michelle and I that we are absolutely
committed to each other, without a doubt. The difficulty
has been in dealing with her work. She's undergoing
slave-labour type of treatment which has been stressing her
considerably. This has put a strain on our long-distant
communication. I've always been there for her as she's
needed me, but it's been bloody hard for me. Now that the
stress on her has eased yesterday, she's started to realise how
I must've been feeling about her distance and her depressions,
and now she's really starting to be there for me. It's
this give and take between the two of us which makes everything
feel so right. In the depths of the darkest moments, there is
still light between us, shining the way and ensuring we stay
with each other. We light each other's paths, showing the
way for us to follow.
It's wonderful. I can't describe it any more than
that. I feel that the relationship her and I will share
will be the most wonderful experiences of our lives. We
are spiritual, we are both communicators, and we both love each
other, and we are both committed to each other. Each of us
is what the other has been looking for, for so long. I
And again... the quote is appropriate.
The only way
with the future
is to function efficiently
in the Now.