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4 May 2000 - 12:54am
I had a dream, and in that dream I was happy. Now the dream has become a reality, and I am really happy. That happiness though, is tempered by fear.  Fear of the unknown... fear of the past happening again... and fear of new challenges. But they are all shadowed and overcome by the happiness that is inside of me, that carries me forward into my future.

Mish has become the wonderful love that I have been looking for. She is my happiness. As more time passes, and I learn more about her and myself, the more wonderful she becomes. I'm overcoming my fears and doubts, and am prepared to jump into the great waters of the future with her.

I'm still going to New Zealand in the next month for a holiday, but it's confirmed that I'll be moving there within the next 3-4 months. I'm taking the leap. I see her as being the next great step in my life. I don't see anything bad from this step, and the only things I see that are bad are if I don't go. It's hard to explain... I just know I've learnt to go with what feels right to me, and this certainly feels right.

Her name is Michelle. She has an online journal as well, which you can access here. She's so wonderful, and one of the first things you'll pick up from her website is that she's 'alive'. She's spiritual, and embraces life and all that it offers with all her energy. She's an inspiration to me, and I'm looking forward to sharing life with her.

I've suggested to her tonight that she introduce herself to you all. Hey, she has her own journal, so she's not afraid to write about herself and who she is. So maybe the next entry will see some words from her... and I hope you'll see more from her as time goes by. 

Here's an animation of her from her page... 
it's a perfect example of how alive she is,
and she's not afraid to show it.

And some music... I've really
grown to like this.

To be upset
over what
you don't have...

is to waste
what you do have. 

4 May 2000 - 10:05pm

I was bored a short while ago, so I sat down and watched the "Making of Saving Private Ryan" (I have this small boxed set of the widescreen version of Saving Private Ryan and the making of it), which I hadn't seen before. It was excellent. It went into some of the history of World War 2, especially in regards to D-Day, which is what the movie started with. It made me sad, and thankful. Sad that we had a war like that, and thankful that the Nazi's lost, and we have the world as it is today. The invasion of Normandy on June 6, 1944, was the turning point in the war (I think...).  It was when the Germans were halted and from that point onwards, they were pushed back to Berlin until they had nowhere left to go. D-Day had the biggest mobilisation of men and equipment ever seen in history. We found it absolutely incredible that the Gulf War in 1991 was able to mobilize 500,000 people from many countries, and yet we forget that only half a century earlier, there were mobilizations of millions of men. Battles comprising many hundreds of thousands and even millions were fought daily, for 6 years. Millions of people dead. Incredible.

A year or so ago, I had an argument with a 17 year old boy in an IRC chat channel. He was exclaiming that we didn't need to know about the past, that all we needed to deal with was the future. He couldn't understand my argument which was that if you don't know the mistakes of the past, you'll just do them all over again. He stated that it was his world now, and all us old losers had better realise that. I felt sorry for his generation. But I also felt sorry for the state of our society, that places so little importance on history in its education of our children.

About 5 years ago, I was at a party where a small group of us were talking about World War 2. Suddenly this young guy, about 17 or 18, who'd been overhearing our conversation, asked "How many world wars were there? I've never heard of world war 2." All conversation stopped as we all turned and looked at him, and he looked at us and said "What?!" After some discussion, we discovered that for his entire time at primary and high school, nothing had been taught to him about war history. He'd heard of the Vietnamese War, and the Gulf War, but that was it. He hadn't even heard of the Falkland Island's War.... and he knew nothing about the 2 world wars, or the Korean War, nor the Boer War of the late 1800's. Needless to say, he received an intensive education on our war history that night. We were all amazed at the state of our education system.

It's sad really, that we're really learning nothing from the past. Cycles are repeated, and nothing changes. I read an article today that spoke of all the wars and conflicts that are occurring around the world today. Two thirds of the countries today are in war. 

All the rest of us can do is carry peace in our hearts and leave the wars to those who remain ignorant of the past. Hopefully more and more of us will carry peace within us, and things will change for the better. But I'm not holding my breath....

I found out about my airflight to New Zealand today. Since I've never been overseas before, I have to get a passport. To get a passport, I have to have a full birth certificate. Last week I applied for the birth certificate, which I should get tomorrow or Monday next week. Today I was going to book the tickets but found that I might not get my passport within the time I'd like, which means the money spent on the tickets would be lost, as I wouldn't be able to travel. So now I'm not going to book the tickets until I actually have the passport in my hot little hands. I'm going to go into the passport office next week and see about making sure they give it to me on the spot, regardless of how long I have to wait. I'll take a book or two with me. Hehehe.

I'm really excited about what's been happening. I'm going on a holiday to New Zealand, and within the next 3 months, I'll be moving there! However, there's also a possibility I might not be... Michelle found out today that her company may be needing people in Sydney soon, and they've asked for expressions of interest from the NZ staff, so she may end up over here after all.  Both her and I are convinced that the result of greatest happiness for both of us is what will end up happening. So we'll just have to wait and see what pans out...

The people
we are in relationship
with are always a mirror
reflecting our own beliefs,
and simultaneously
we are mirrors,
reflecting their beliefs.

So relationship is one
of the most powerful tools for growth...
if we look honestly at our
relationships we can see so much
about how we
have created them.




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2001 Alan Howard