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The
Journal of Alan Howard
Monday - 27th August 2001 -
10:55pm
I had a good conversation with
a friend (we'll call her Susie) on ICQ last night. We
talked about the perception that others may have of me,
particularly thinking I'm arrogant. It was pointed out to
me last night by Venus that some people that we met on Saturday
night (at a singles website get-together) felt that I was
arrogant, and I was discussing that with Susie. The ones
who thought I was arrogant were probably on the receiving end of
an attitude that said "I'm not attracted to you, and I'm
only here at this dating site meeting 'cause I succumbed to peer
group pressure and the allure of a shouted beer or three, so
please don't talk to me". Apparently my body language
and attitude was completely different when I was chatting to an
attractive woman there. Well, hello!!! Wake up and
smell the roses, ladies. It's a type of arrogance that I'm
quite happy to continue, 'cause I know what I want in this
world, and having women come onto me who I'm not attracted to is
one of those things I don't want.
Now, to be honest with you, I also know that I have defensive
attitudes which can be taken as arrogance, and that's something
I have to work on. But letting women think that I'm
interested in them when I'm not, just because they've got
fragile egos and other insecurities, is not something that I'll
work on.
I also talked with Susie about her and her little boy. Something new
came up in the conversation. New for me, at least.
Part of the conversation we had reminded me of my involvement with
Estera many years ago, and having a role in the development of her two boys for nearly two
years - Michael in particular. I was in his life when he was less than a year old. When he was 4, I lived
with Estera and her hubby Trevor (who was also my friend) as a flatmate and
babysat him often. When he was 8, Estera (who had left Trevor a year
before) moved in with me, and I had that parental role in Michael's life, as
well as his 4 yo brother's life. I taught him about spirit guides, and not
to be afraid of all things spiritual, and had a great time teaching my
beliefs, playing games with him and his brother, and introducing him to
roleplaying games when he was 9 or 10. Then Estera and I split up, and when
he was 12 or 13 (I think) he went to Adelaide to live with his dad. I didn't see him
until last year, (when I went to Canberra for Estera's wedding
in September) and he was 15 or 16. I didn't recognise him, and when it was
pointed out to me who he was, I was completely blown away. I've never been
as blown away by anything as I was with that. He'd changed so much! Grown
up into a teenager.
I had a bit of a cry as I was remembering and describing my
feelings about it to Susie. I was a little emotional at all that I'd been part
of and especially all that I'd missed out on, in relation to being in his life and him being in mine. It made me
realise that having my own child/ren is something I'd enjoy with the right
woman. And that's what was new, realising that having my
own kids is something that I really could look forward to.
I feel pretty good about that...
On the weekend, I spent a lot of time trying to create a Chat
page for this site. After trying a number of solutions
that didn't fill me with any joy whatsoever, I decided to change
tactics. I tested the chat pages that MSN produce on their
chat and community pages, and got so excited by what I could do
with it, that I created my own web Community!
You can find it here:
http://communities.msn.co.nz/TheSpirit/
I'm planning on incorporating the two together. The
community will allow the posting of articles and message boards,
and it has the chat room that I like. I want people to get
into the Community feel of it, and I really want to encourage
that.
Please have a look at it, and join up and be part of it!
It'd be great to have you as part of it, and your input would be
most welcome.
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