Journal of Alan Howard
Monday - 13th August 2001 -
The weekend just gone has been real shitty. Literally. The plumbing broke on Friday night, and sewerage leaked from outside into the downstairs room - which is where I sleep and have the computer. It's also the only room with carpet... So we called the landlord after I saw the carpets getting wet against the walls. An emergency plumber was called out to fix it, and he was here until midnight. Then the landlord was here on Saturday to clean the carpets. (But it still stinks.) And then some more plumbers were out yesterday to finish it all up. But then the cats decided to develop diarrhea all over the carpets that had been cleaned, and I had to clean that up three bloody times before I just put them outside and vowed never to let them back in again!! So I had a real smelly, shitty weekend.... it sucked badly! LOL I'm really hoping next weekend will be soooo much better. And to top it off, I took the opportunity to see how much my car would be worth for the car yards to buy. Looks like I'm selling it privately, 'cause the offers that I had from the car yards just made me want to get a heavy machine gun out of a jacket pocket and go postal on their arses. According to my research, my car retails at around $18,000 (NZ Dollars). All the car yards I went to on Saturday were consistent in their variety. They put the retail value at anywhere between $10,000 to $15,000 if I was lucky, so they wanted to buy it from me at around $7,000 to $10,000. I had to look at my reflection in a car window, just to see if I'd accidentally drawn 'IDIOT' on my forehead. But no, it wasn't there, so it must've been them who were idiots!!! So it looks like I'm selling it privately. Maybe I should use the money to buy that machine gun... Anyway, enough of that.
What do you do when you realise that you're 'dazed and confused'?
That's what I'm trying to work out now. Last night I made a realisation about myself. I realised that even though I was telling myself that I wasn't looking at meeting a new woman right now, I actually was. And then when I had women approaching me, I was rejecting them... I was trying to work out why, and I realised that even though I secretly desired a relationship and the excitement of meeting someone new, I was actually afraid of what it might mean for me. I believe I still haven't gotten over the most stressful period of my life just a few months ago, and was instead just avoiding those issues when I met Venus (which is probably a big reason why it didn't work out between us). Once I realised how 'screwed up' I was, I decided to cease being part of this dating website that I was heavily into, and I took my profile off. I felt it was better for me to keep away from that, so that I can start focusing on me again, and doing whatever I have to in order to allow the healing to begin. I've got to focus on me, rather than on trying to not be single again, and I've got to find that inner strength again.
There's so many different thoughts and feelings going through my head right now, it's difficult to bring anything together clearly and work out what it is. I've really got to start meditating again....