Journal of Alan Howard
20th January 2001
Ever since getting back from
England without Michelle, I've been feeling pretty sad and
lonely. Knowing that the only reason I'm here is because
of Michelle makes me sad thinking that she's not here with
me. Sure, she's here, but not with me. And it's all
because of me and my mistakes.
In between the wonderful times we shared together, there was a
lot of pain... it was experienced by both of us, for different
reasons. All we used to do though, was reflect the pain
off of each other, and have it come back to us. Having
that happen wasn't beneficial to the relationship, and I
couldn't go on any more with it. Both of us had our
problems from our past, and together we had those problems hit
us in the face. Trying to deal with each other's problems
just made our own worse... I know Michelle doesn't
understand anything about this, and that hurts even more.
She's been living in pain for most of her life, in some form or
other, and to her this was just something else to deal
with. But her pain, and my own newly-awakened pain, was
something I'd never experienced before, and she couldn't accept
that I couldn't deal with it the same way she could.
I bought a book this week called Mars and Venus Starting
Over. It's brilliant. It's helped me understand more
about what she's going through, which is something I've had
difficulty doing. She placed a lot of faith in me and the
future we were going to share, and I took it all away from
her. She's destroyed and shattered by this
experience. And what am I, from this experience?
Where once I thought I knew myself, now I know I never
did. I just pretended to. So now I have to start
really learning who I am, and what I want in this world.
Now the real learning starts.
Thank you Michelle, for everything you gave me, and I'm just
sorry that I was never what either of us expected me to
There's so much more I want to say, but I just don't know how
to. Not just to her, but just to say things... As
part of my new-found desire for learning about myself, I'm going
to be seeing a counsellor relatively regularly. I'm hoping
that I'll be able to clear out a lot of my blockages through
that, and with all the 'homework' that I'll need to be
I know that I'm going through a grieving process as
well... even though I was the one that ended the
relationship. I also know that a lot of the grief that I
have to experience, is yet to be experienced. I've been
holding it in, maintaining my determination to do what I felt
was the best thing to do. I have to find all those
emotions inside of me, and let them out; to experience the pain,
the anger, the sadness, and the loss. I need to experience
them all, so that I can let them out of my system, and prevent
them from holding me back. And I also know that while I'm
doing all of this, I can't get into another relationship again,
not until I'm completely satisfied that I know what I want, and
I'm not just doing it to get what I never had as a child.
Life is hard, and then it gets harder. But that's
life. What other way would we be able to learn the
most? The greatest lessons are the ones that cause the
most pain. We just need to make sure we look beyond the
pain, and see the light at the end of that tunnel of darkness.