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 The Journal of Alan Howard

Friday - 16th November 2001 - 9:30pm

Reflections on the past...

Over the past week, I've been re-reading this journal, and I've gained some fascinating insights.  It's coming up to the 3-year anniversary for this journal, and its seen some significant changes over those years.  Changes in the formatting of the website and the layout, and changes in my life and what's important to me.  Here's a rundown of those changes, as the years and months have gone by.

November 1998.  The journal begins.  I was lonely and needy for the company of women.  I went out on a lot of dates, and got excited about every woman who gave me some attention.  I also got crushed after being dumped after only one date - sometimes without even going on any date at all!

June  1999.  After 5 years without a girlfriend, I found myself in a relationship with Darlene.  The drought had broken!  This was a very happy and creative time for me, being in an exciting and magical 'love story'.

January 2000.  The magic had gone, and I was alone again.  Sad and grieving, I ended up looking outside of myself at those around me and gained solace in the attention of others again.

April 2000.  Michelle entered my life and I began walking down a path I could never have imagined, where I'd end up leaving the country I loved and living in another (New Zealand).

June 2000.  I stepped boldly out on that new path, unsure and a little afraid, but never hesitant.  I moved to NZ and began a new life away from my country and my friends.  I was excited about the changes, and about this new woman in my life.

July 2000.  I got the best job of my entire life, working for an IT support organisation (Computerland) that looked after corporate clients.

November 2000.  The relationship with Michelle had ended, and there was a time of grieving.  But not enough time.  I tried to be friends with this woman who had meant so much to me, but who I discovered I couldn't live with.

January 2001.  Came back from England where I'd gone for a holiday with Michelle.  Spent the next two months trying to deal with more stress than I'd ever experienced, as Michelle spent all her energy trying to get me to come back to her.  She eventually moved back to England in April.

April 2001.  Thinking that I had dealt with my relationship issues, I involved myself in another relationship with Kylie.  

June 2001.  The relationship with Kylie ended, forcing me to reconsider my thoughts on what I'd actually dealt with in the past.

November 2001.  After 5 months of choosing to be alone and doing extensive soul-searching, I am in a place of stability and contentment.  Seeing and understanding the part I had in the downfall of my past relationships has been enlightening.  I was also able to see those areas that I hadn't dealt with in the past, which were the subsequent cause of further relationship problems.  Now there isn't a sense of frantic activity about me anymore, inside my mind and in what I radiate.  I'm not hung up on the need to have the attention or love of a woman, and I can actually be friends with those women in my life, rather than hope for something more.  

The changes that I've seen in myself - in this website - has been going from need and attachment, to stability and even detachment (in terms of not being attached to the idea of being with a woman).  I feel more relaxed and in control of myself and my destiny.  I feel more capable.  It's just awesome!

Well, I'm going to write another article for The Spirit...  This one was inspired from a conversation last night with a friend.  Can you accept who you are?

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2001 Alan Howard