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 The Journal of Alan Howard

Saturday - 3rd November 2001 - 7:30pm

Changes and growth...

I've made some additions to the What page, adding links to important people and best friends in my life - all those who are special to me.  I've also included links to the MSN Community for this site, that I encourage you all to join, and the section I set up for my 'The Matrix' stories.  And I created a site especially for my car, the best thing in my life right now.  Hey, I know it's just a car, but it makes me feel great, so it's also special to me.

I made the decision today to not worry about aliases any more, when I mention people in this journal.  There's enough people out there who share the same first name, that by using just that, it won't give away who the person is in case they're wanting to remain anonymous.

In the past, I've spoken about MissX, who shall be now known by her name of Amanda.  She phoned me today, all the way from Brisbane, Australia.  I haven't spoken to her for a long time, and today has been the first time she has phoned me ever since I moved here to New Zealand.  It was quite a surprise.  She rang because she's going through a bit of a crisis right now, where she's not sure what to do with her life.  She remembered how helpful I've been to her in the past, with talking to her about who she is and what she should be doing in her life, and so she decided to call me to talk.  It was a nice conversation, and she made this interesting observation about me.  Apparently I'm the only man in her life - ever - who has ever treated her with complete honesty, and never demeaned her or tried to use her for anything.  That was a nice thing to say...  so I continued with my perceived honesty and told her at that point how much she hurt me when I was in Brisbane in March.

I just went to look back through my old entries and discovered that I never wrote about my holiday over there!  My God!  I wrote before I went, but didn't even touch upon it after I got back!  What was I thinking?!  Here's a quick description...

It was hot - damn hot!  Seeing Dan was absolutely fantastic.  We drank beer, and had dinner out.  We went to Movie World on the Gold Coast.  I saw Batman and Catgirl, went to the Police Academy and laughed my arse off, and crapped my pants on the Lethal Weapon ride!  (Well, figuratively speaking, of course...)  I tried to see Amanda while I was there, but she was too busy.  Then I tried to organise something on the last day of my time there, but she wasn't up to driving an hour to see me.  I decided I wasn't up to driving an hour to see her, if she couldn't do the same considering I had come all the way over from New Zealand.  I saw Sandy, and it was great to catch up with her.  I said goodbye to Dan and Sandy at the airport, and had a huge lump in my throat as Dan disappeared from my view as I went down the escalator to where I needed to board the plane back to New Zealand.

So that's the short description of my Brisbane holiday in March 2001, and what was upsetting about Amanda.  I told her that today, and she apologised.  The last time I saw Amanda was in Canberra in January, when I was there on my way back from England.  I hope to see her again some time before I die of old age...

I hope Amanda gained some happiness from our conversation today.  I helped her realise that she's been going through her life doing things that other people think would be good for her.  I tried to empower her to find her own answers, rather than constantly look for them from other people.  I like empowering people to find the answers themselves, but apparently it makes me 'wise and amazing'.  All that tells me is that most 'unwise' people try to tell others what to do, or allow themselves to be told what to do.  I know that's essentially true, and it's a good feeling to know that I'm not like most other people...  As I grow, I hope to help others grow.  This will be the meaning of my life.

November 29th will be my birthday.  It will also be the three-year anniversary of this Journal.  I'm going to have to make sure I keep a detailed account of that day, as I'll be in Canberra with my friends.  I'm misty-eyed...  I miss them all so much.  This is going to be an awesome experience for me, being with them all again.  I need it.  It keeps me going as I live over here in another country, away from my home.  It refreshes everything about me, and ensures that I know what I will eventually be returning to in the near future, when I move back there permanently.

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2001 Alan Howard