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The
Journal of Alan Howard
Saturday - 3rd November 2001 -
7:30pm
Changes and growth...
I've made some additions to the What
page, adding links to important people and best friends in my
life - all those who are special to me. I've also included
links to the MSN
Community for this site, that I encourage you all to join,
and the section I set up for my 'The Matrix' stories. And
I created a site especially for my car, the best thing in my
life right now. Hey, I know it's just a car, but it makes
me feel great, so it's also special to me.
I made the decision today to not worry about aliases any more,
when I mention people in this journal. There's enough
people out there who share the same first name, that by using
just that, it won't give away who the person is in case they're
wanting to remain anonymous.
In the past, I've spoken about MissX, who shall be now known by
her name of Amanda. She phoned me today, all the way from
Brisbane, Australia. I haven't spoken to her for a long
time, and today has been the first time she has phoned me ever
since I moved here to New Zealand. It was quite a
surprise. She rang because she's going through a bit of a
crisis right now, where she's not sure what to do with her
life. She remembered how helpful I've been to her in the
past, with talking to her about who she is and what she should
be doing in her life, and so she decided to call me to
talk. It was a nice conversation, and she made this
interesting observation about me. Apparently I'm the only
man in her life - ever - who has ever treated her with complete
honesty, and never demeaned her or tried to use her for
anything. That was a nice thing to say... so I
continued with my perceived honesty and told her at that point
how much she hurt me when I was in Brisbane in March.
I just went to look back through my old entries and discovered
that I never wrote about my holiday over there! My
God! I wrote before I went, but didn't even touch upon it
after I got back! What was I thinking?! Here's a
quick description...
It was hot - damn hot! Seeing Dan was absolutely
fantastic. We drank beer, and had dinner out. We
went to Movie World on the Gold Coast. I saw Batman and
Catgirl, went to the Police Academy and laughed my arse off, and
crapped my pants on the Lethal Weapon ride! (Well,
figuratively speaking, of course...) I tried to see Amanda
while I was there, but she was too busy. Then I tried to
organise something on the last day of my time there, but she
wasn't up to driving an hour to see me. I decided I wasn't
up to driving an hour to see her, if she couldn't do the same
considering I had come all the way over from New Zealand.
I saw Sandy, and it was great to catch up with her. I said
goodbye to Dan and Sandy at the airport, and had a huge lump in
my throat as Dan disappeared from my view as I went down the
escalator to where I needed to board the plane back to New
Zealand.
So that's the short description of my Brisbane holiday in March
2001, and what was upsetting about Amanda. I told her that
today, and she apologised. The last time I saw Amanda was
in Canberra in January, when I was there on my way back from
England. I hope to see her again some time before I die of
old age...
I hope Amanda gained some happiness from our conversation
today. I helped her realise that she's been going through
her life doing things that other people think would be good for
her. I tried to empower her to find her own answers,
rather than constantly look for them from other people. I
like empowering people to find the answers themselves, but
apparently it makes me 'wise and amazing'. All that tells
me is that most 'unwise' people try to tell others what to do,
or allow themselves to be told what to do. I know that's
essentially true, and it's a good feeling to know that I'm not
like most other people... As I grow, I hope to help others
grow. This will be the meaning of my life.
November 29th will be my birthday. It will also be the
three-year anniversary of this Journal. I'm going to have
to make sure I keep a detailed account of that day, as I'll be
in Canberra with my friends. I'm misty-eyed... I
miss them all so much. This is going to be an awesome
experience for me, being with them all again. I need
it. It keeps me going as I live over here in another
country, away from my home. It refreshes everything about
me, and ensures that I know what I will eventually be returning
to in the near future, when I move back there permanently.
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