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 The Journal of Alan Howard

Thursday - 4th October 2001 - 11:28pm

A new beginning...
In my last entry, I spoke of a new relationship with myself.  As of earlier this week, it's become a new beginning.  I realised that I'm ready to meet women again.  Instead of feeling anxiety at the thought, now I look forward to it.  Instead of not wanting to think about it, now I fantasise about it.  Yay!  I'm back to normal again!   <smile>

I've had a lot of help from friends.  Sally and MrsJ in Melbourne, and Vicki here in Wellington.  (It's funny how you can't talk about your feelings with other men.  They just aren't interested...)  Those three have been of the greatest assistance to me.  It's a shame that I'm not friends with MrsJ any more.  While our email conversations were excellent for a while, it degraded into idle chit chat, and that wasn't what she wanted.  We rubbed each other the wrong way, and I suggested we 'take a break', but she wanted to make it permanent.  I was pretty disappointed with that, but life goes on.  Through being able to just talk and talk and talk to them, I've been able to release a lot of the fear, anger and sorrow that I've been feeling, and I've been able to clarify those things that have been confusing me.  Vicki has been of the most help though, probably because the conversations with her have been face to face instead of over the internet.  I've been helped to feel good about myself again, and to go through the process of letting go of the past.  Fantastic!

More updates soon.

I've created two stories based on The Matrix.  Snake's Journey, and Scarab's Awakening.  They're actually taken from the play-by-email roleplaying game that I've been in since last year.  I've taken all the postings that I've done in the game and put them together as a story.  I hope you enjoy them.  There will likely be sequels which will come soon.  :-)

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2001 Alan Howard