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 The Journal of Alan Howard

Monday - 2nd July 2001 - 12:40pm

Sometimes I wonder why I bother doing this journal.  Every time I make statements about my life at the time, and how I feel about it and/or the person I'm with, it ends up coming back to bite me because even though I'm after permanency, it never happens that way.  Even though I make statements about how excited I am about something, and how everything is really going so well, it's invariably ended up being exactly the opposite of what I've expected or wanted or talked about in here.  So sometimes I wonder why I should bother writing about anything at all...  I seem to be on this eternal quest to find a partner to share my life with, but it's like they come, they share a bit, and then they go.  The only positives are the times we spent together and what I've learnt about myself as a result.  The problem there though, is that I'm looking for long-term positives, rather than small 'episodes' of positivity.  <sigh>

I had some uncalled-for feedback last week from Michelle in England, who disagreed with my earlier comment that involvement with me has improved the lives of those women who have gone out with me.  She told me that it's only since she's left me that her life has improved better than what it's ever been.  Hmm...  she seems to have missed the point completely, and in the process has proved that I'm right.  Apparently her life now is better than it's ever been...  right after she's been involved with me.  Inadvertently, I helped improve her life.  It really pisses me off - as I said in my previous entry - that my own issues with myself and relationships brings out issues in other people, that they didn't think they had until they spend time with me, and they end up leaving me or I leave them.  I'm a catalyst for change, and I hate it.

I think I've been on a bit of a downer these past few weeks, since Venus and I split up.  However, I'm doing something now to help bring me out of it.  I went out to the movies on Saturday afternoon with a friend, and saw Shrek (fantastic movie - go see it!).  I mentioned to him that I wanted to go out and meet more people and get out of this stay-at-home rut that I'm in right now.  I'm single, I should be going out again, like I used to back in Canberra.  The fact that I still have few friends here is no excuse.  So anyway, he invited me to a brunch yesterday, which I went along to, and that was pretty good fun.  I'm looking forward to going out a lot more from now on.  

I stayed home from work today, 'cause I woke up around 5am with a sore swollen throat, making it difficult to breathe and I certainly didn't want to talk!  So I got up, turned the computer on and sent an email to my team leader, saying I wouldn't be in today.  Then I went back to bed until around an hour ago before getting up to check my email and do this entry, and then I'll be going back to bed again shortly.  

I'll see you in the next entry...  whenever it might be.


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2001 Alan Howard