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The
Journal of Alan Howard
Friday - 11th May 2001 -
11pm
I've really got to keep this up
to date more often... I was browsing the web today at
work, and I thought I'd try to find the best webcam sites out
there on the net. I found a site done by a woman in
Sydney, who's kept it updated nearly every day for the past year
+. I was inspired again to do this to my own site much
more often.
Many times, when I've sat down to update my journal, I've found
something else to do. I think there's been a lot of
reasons why I've not been able to write in here. One of
the reasons has been that there's been things that I've wanted
to talk about, but I've held it back because of 'respect for
other people's feelings', or something like that. Or it's
been because I haven't known how to say what I've been thinking,
and then there's been something else that's come up which has
distracted me. However, the biggest reason has been that
I've been enjoying so many chats with Venus online, that I
haven't wanted to do anything else. <smile>
Anyway, the moral of that paragraph has been that I've got to
make a decision here. This is MY journal, and it's
a reflection of what goes on in MY head, about MY
life. If you - whoever you are - think that there's
something in here that you might not want to read, then don't
read it. If you - whoever you are - think that there's
something in here that you don't like, then take it up with the
World Court, 'cause I'm not interested. If you - whoever
you are - think that there's something in here that you either
don't agree with, or think is wrong, then I repeat - take it to
the World Court. The simple message is, this is my
journal, about my feelings and my life. And if you -
whoever you are - don't like that, then you can go whinge about
it to someone else.
I've been holding back on this journal because of 'whoever you
are', and I'm not doing it any more. And now that I've
gotten that off my chest, on with the show...
This past week has been pretty damn exciting! It's been
almost like Christmas, waiting for a day to arrive that is
slowly getting closer and closer, and knowing that when it
arrives, you'll have something extremely wonderful in your life
that you've never had before! That's what this has been
like for me. Every day has been an awesome day, filled
with expectation and happiness. The climax will be this
weekend, when Venus moves down here to live, and I won't need to
drive two hours to see her any more. That is going to be so
sweet!
Work has been good - as it usually is. I've been made
client champion of yet another client, which is pretty exciting
as well. It's like they're saying, 'we like what you're
doing; here - have some more'. Well, I'm not
complaining... The beginning of this week saw a change
where the staff were shifted around into areas more suited for
their skills. This has been good for me, 'cause now I
don't have to deal with the real shitty and prolific callers
from a couple of particular clients. They've been fobbed
off onto another team, which I'm no longer part of. Now I
support clients that my skills are more adequate for. As
far as I'm concerned, this makes my job easier for me to do,
'cause I can actually resolve a lot more calls, rather than pass
them off onto others to do.
My back is still a problem - but hey, where's the surprise in
that? It's going to be a problem for the rest of my
life... Anyway, I've been keeping it under control with
regular massages, which have been just awesome! My masseur
is fantastic (and she's also started a series of articles in my
articles section. Go
here to have a look), and has been a great source of relief
for me. I missed last weekend's massage 'cause I was up
visiting Venus and her brothers. I had to go up on the
Friday night instead of the Saturday afternoon, so I missed my
Saturday morning massage. I was looking forward to it this
weekend, that's for sure, but then, because of Venus moving down
and the times working out badly, I was going to cancel it
again. I went to see her during my lunch hour today to
cancel it, and she just happened to have a slot free at 3:30pm
that I could be fitted into. So I cancelled my lunch hour
at that time and went straight back to work, and then went to
'lunch' at 3:30! I'm so glad I did... my back was a
mess after 2 weeks without a massage! LOL And to top
it off, yesterday I almost tripped and pulled some ligaments
when I stopped myself from tripping over, so having her sort it
out today was just awesome.
Anyway, just moving back to before my massage, a funny
thing happened... I was eating some sandwiches, having my
real lunch while working - supposedly working, that is.
The phones were quiet, and while I was eating, I was reading
some email that I got. I subscribe to a conspiracy
research list that has authors and investigative journalists on
it, all submitting their work for the interest of the
subscribers. The subscribers are also always posting news
articles relevant to the list, or discussing relevant
topics. Anyway, I was reading an article about 1992's
Hurricane Andrew and an apparent conspiracy involved in the
aftermath, with some details about a nuclear power station being
severely damaged and closed down, and the alleged conspiracy was
revolving around America's desire to cover it up and prevent
another media circus like Chernobyl. So anyway, I was at a
heading titled "Nuclear Incident" when I suddenly
realised someone was standing behind me. I turned my head
to see who it was, and it was the big boss, the CEO - he was
reading the article over my shoulder! Now, this guy is
known to be a nazi from hell, especially if you get on his wrong
side. So, with my sandwich hanging out of my mouth, I
looked at him. I figured the best approach to the CEO, who
was seeing me doing things which were normally frowned upon
while working, was to act completely calm and natural. I
casually took the sandwich out of my mouth and, around the food,
I smiled and asked him how he was. So he smiled back and
said he was "good", and "that article looks
interesting"... I turned back to the screen to
refresh my memory of what I'd been reading, turned back and said
"yeah, it's fascinating. Don't know if it's true or
not, but it makes for good reading." Then my phone
rang, and as I picked it up, he smiled and went over to talk to
someone else. I'm sure he's killed people for doing
less. The funny thing is, everyone who knows him has told
me that he really is a nazi, and that if you're not working with
him, then he has no time or good attitude for you, so just stay
out of his way. Every time he's been around me, he's been
quite friendly. The way I figure it, if he's smiling,
that's a good thing. I stay alive for another day...
So that was my 'startling' work-day event.
<smile>
Tonight, I was briefly chatting to Venus before she went offline
to complete the packing and go to bed. Then I was browsing
that webcam site from this afternoon a bit more, and I was
inspired to not only write more often, but to go into more
detail about the finer points of my life, like work, massages,
etc. The little things that make up the days. And so
that's what I've started doing tonight. I expect this will
continue from here on in. Hopefully I won't have as many
close calls with the CEO in future... Hehehe.
Earlier this week I had a great chat with Venus about our
computer use when we're together. I had suggested to her
that I'll be spending less time on the computer, so that I don't
end up neglecting her and the boys. So then we had a
slight argument about it, with her saying that I can still spend
time on it doing all the things that I like doing on it, 'cause
she doesn't want to be living in my pocket nor have me living in
hers. She likes playing on her computer as well, and she
wants a life outside of the house too, with other friends of her
own. And she's sure that if she wanted me for some reason
or other, that I'd be there for her. And that's a
fact! Hehehe. It's amazingly refreshing for me to be
with a woman who is into independence and freedom as much as I
am. Insecurity is not part of the deal here, which is just
excellent.
I'm reminded back to my friend Peter, who lives in Sydney.
He and his wife have been happily married for a few years now,
and they are still so much in love with each other.
However, they also spend time with their own individual circles
of friends, and do their own work and their own hobbies.
And every now and again they go off and actually do something
together. Every night is a coming together of two
different lives, and sharing the experiences together, but
independent of each other. I've always thought of it as a
great way to have a relationship, with love and sharing and most
importantly, with a life outside of the relationship. The
hardest thing was not only finding someone who I could share
that with, but also to find that attitude within myself.
I believe I've found it now, in Venus - and in me. Earlier
this year I had to leave my insecurities behind, in order to
find the strength to carry on 'against all odds'. I found
an attitude inside of me that I've been searching for all of my
life, without actually realising it. That attitude is the
one where I want a woman to share my life with, but I
don't need her in order to carry on with that life.
It's a healthier attitude to live with.
Venus comes with no restrictions, no insecurities, and no
baggage. She's who I came to NZ for, even though I didn't
realise that until recently.
I found a poem the other day, that impacted upon me. I
immediately felt a relationship with it. I'll put it in
here...
The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost (1915)
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.
When I read it, I knew that it described me, who takes 'the road
less travelled'. If I have a choice of paths to take, I
have always taken the more interesting path. Sometimes
it's been the harder path. But without a doubt, it's always
been the best path. Never have I regretted the choices
that I've made. They've often been bloody hard to follow,
and occasionally I've looked backwards, contemplating returning
back to where I came from, but I've always turned myself back
around and continued along the path I've chosen. It has ALWAYS
led me to a place far better than where I was.
The path I'm on now is far brighter than any path I've been on
before. It's nice to have you coming along for the ride,
by reading about it in this journal. I promise to put in
more details from now on, like the colour of the roses as I walk
by them, and the feeling of the rain on my face as I shelter
under a tree. Thank you for wanting to join me in this
way.
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